This hurts to read. I have had a couple of failed attempts and I have learned that I will need to get it right when the time comes. Fortunately my suicidal ideation is under control for now.
the more professional you become doing it the harder it is to be found, the lesser you are to be busted, and the more you can focus on many other hidden areas, which means more suffering is to happen, this is too real and too accurate, death is more merciful …
Slit-wrists-in-tub seems so appealing, but I think I’d freak out and not be able to wait for how long it supposedly takes. Why is it so easy for, like, innocent kids to get shot, but so fucking hard for folks in pain to stop the pain?
Because society cares highly about guns, but they don’t care about our lives. And way too many people are okay with that. Hardly anyone is trying to make things better for us all. I wish we would get universal healthcare because I could afford to see my therapist again and get medicine. I wish we would get a universal wage so I could focus on rebuilding my life and a support group in meaningful ways rather than spending my day working at a job I hate then coming home to do nothing because I can’t afford to do anything. And I wish we’d get universal college, I guess you’d call it, because then I could go back to school and by the time I worked on my mental health, I’d get the degree I couldn’t get years ago, because of dealing with my mental health, so I could get a good job that doesn’t make me want to rip my eyeballs out every day and my life would be better if not happier.
The small print the fail to mention with a suicide attempt is the failure rate and you have everything that brought you there then you have what method tried physical fallout, the mental emotional fallout for “failing” and not even being able to be all those false horrible things said about people who attempt and/or die by suicide.
That brutal vomiting while you are so impaired you can be barely crawl from the last pile as you try to get out of the clothes covered in bodily waste if you bladder and bowels also released during the attempt. Which is very degrading but no said don’t wear a long sleeve shirt that now is worse than a straight jacket to get off…. When you make to the bathroom you barely get clean before you’re covered again and have that trail to clean up when you recover especially before anyone finds it…. Then comes if you are found and the horridiness of having your stomach pumped, the after effects of that which can be a different hell than the vomit overdose failure. This is the small print they don’t tell you is how bad the method failing will pile on more shit than you had before, so you are now worse and great plan to exit the planet stage left just failed so now you’re really feeling trapped, cursed, dammed, doomed to agony….
This is hell I wouldn’t wish on the worst enemy and people on earth…
Virtually no-one alive now will be remembered in 100 years, pretty certainly not 200 – you either have to be an utter saint or an utter bastard.
Nothing we do will matter, nothing we crate will survive… it will be as if we never existed. Don’t believe me? – OK, how many people can you name from 1800-1899 or 1700-1799? Maybe 30-50 if you are extremely well educate or knowledgeable.
50 people out of the tens of millions alibe back then – the rest died and became as nothing… the same as we will.
To that end, it matters nothing at all, not one single atom of “mattering” if any of us die now, tomorrow, next year, or live to be 103.
I don’t really give a shit if I’m alive or dead – I have no plans to kill myself but if event happen that way, so what?
So… if life really IS that utterly shit for you then your “right to life” also (must, or it’s not a right it’s “compulsory life”” includes the right to death. So use that right… because it really matters nothing at all either way…. or stay alive and piss as many people off as you can (which is my plan… I’m not an arsehole, I’m a haemorrhoid, I irritate arseholes!)
There’s no meaning to life, no “karma”, no “good go to heaven, bad go to hell” (yeah, right, a kiddy buggering priest says “I repent my sins” on his deathbed and goes to “heaven”?? I’d not want to go there if it’s there, if it existed), no “posterity” unless you are one of the 0.00000000000001% who “make it” big or bad. Just a pointless and meaningless life then non-existence until the heat-death of the universe. What is there after death? Simple – it’s exactly the same as before you were conceived – non-existence.
**********
((* Just to clarify: Nihilism is the philosophical viewpoint that suggests the denial of, or lack of belief in, the reputedly meaningful aspects of life. Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism, which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value))
**********
We are born and life without any choice or input. 99.9999999999….% of us will make no impact or contribution whatsoever, certainly nothing that will last whatever lifespan we had added after our death (meaning, if you live to 90 then nothing that lasts more than 90 years after you died)
It matters. Maybe not in a historical perspective but for everyone close to you. I wittnessed a suicide 6 years ago, was close to killing myself after that, and even still today I’m trying to get over of it. I was the one “cleaning the mess”. Before that I believed everyone has right to decide about their death. Now.. Noup. There is nothing worse you can do to someone close you. It’s not fair nor right.
So they have to live a life of despair and misery just because you don’t want to feel bad? That’s enforced life not right to life.
We don’t have any right to force other people to exist just for our own feelings.
(Having said that I do also support the option of talking to someone and trying to dissuade them… My logic there is there is that if you really can dissuade them then they didn’t really want to go. But if they really want to go that’s their choice and only their choice)
I honestly wouldn’t care that much about the people I leave behind. Why? I’m visibly depressed and upset often, I try to talk about my feelings and get ignored the majority of the time. Or I’m told to “go to therapy” or “go talk to your internet friends” or “stop whining about your issues as if no one else has issues”. If I point out abuse from others around me, I’m being told I’m overreacting. I once told a friend that I was suicidal and I never heard from them again (it’s been almost 6 months since then). No one is here for me when I’m alive and trying to reach out and talk, so why would I care that they’ll feel bad when I’m gone? Feel bad and help me now! All I know is when I do go, they better not tell people they didn’t understand why I never said anything or they didn’t see it coming or they don’t know why I did it. They know, they don’t care, I won’t care about any fake tears after I’m gone. In fact, the only reason they’ll probably be sad is because I’m not around to abuse and do stuff for them.
The first thing you need to do is remove yourself from the abuse – even a shelter is better than “brick-n-tile with abuse” People can and will care, you just have the wrong kind of “not-people” around you.
Find an outlet – I chose art, ink and water-wash on paper. Some people use “zentangle”, others watercolours. It doesn’t have to be expensive (ink+paper = under a fiver, zentangle even less, watercolours can get a little dear). Perhaps more importantly, it doesn’t have to be “good” – train yourself away from this current-day shit of “first or nothing”. Just draw or doodle, maybe sek ehlp from free classes or just ask another artist for a quick ‘guide-session’?
Maybe donate time at an animal shelter – the unconditional love of dogs and cats (and even otehr animal, horses, etc) is a great, GREAT, soul-healer.
Once you have that grounding for your soul your mind will fall into track. Just get yourself away from toxicity…
I respect your choice, as I said above, but don’t do it… make sure you have exhausted ALL other options before that last one.
I’m glad for your comments. The thing is that I met “the dead one” only once before. I wanted to listen, to help, to understand, but ze (yes, a transgendered person) didn’t give me a change. So, having mental issues myself and being close to a suicide after that, I tried to keep in mind that there is actually people out there that truly want to help if we just give them a change. …If I wasn’t family, you ask now what do I care..? I care. Every life is valuable. You are valuable. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. As you probably understood now, it’s possible to mess out someones life without being even family with that one. We don’t live in this planet alone, you know.
Bad luck..?
I think it’s good luck. It means that you can always meet someone that wants to help you. No matter how many bastards you have met during your life, there is the good guy as well that wants to help you.
I had even myself an experience that my family never stood out for me. Later I realized that they just didn’t know what to do. My family is not educated helpers, they simply don’t know what else to say than “go and seek help for yourself”. However, it hurt them to see how hard I had it. And yes, most of my mental issues are caused by them. And no, I don’t care about it anymore, I’m beginning to be over of it. It’s a long and painful process but you can do it. ..Yes, professional helpers are the ones that actually know how to help you …once you manage to get an appointment, which isn’t easy.. However, it dosn’t mean that no-one else cares at all even if they don’t know how to express it.
Your life isn’t over yet, as long as you yourself keep trying! And yes, there is people out there that want to help you if you just give them a change!!!
Why do you need to matter to the world at large? Isn’t mattering to the people immediately around you, the people who came before (parents, grandparents who still live), and if you have any children -the people who come after, enough? People worry about the far “future” for some reason, and the distant “past” instead of thinking abut right NOW. The past does not exist. The future doesnt really exist. Those things only exist as ideas in your head. The only real thing, the only thing that exists I think… is right NOW.
“Right now” is what people are trying to get away from… The future doesn’t exist but it’s coming… And for many people it will be the same or worse than the present. It’s understandable that they want to get away from it, the only way they can think of.
Way too real.
Xactly!
This hurts to read. I have had a couple of failed attempts and I have learned that I will need to get it right when the time comes. Fortunately my suicidal ideation is under control for now.
As usual, accurate as hell.
So accurate. Way too accurate. But thank you anyway, for putting into words something that isn’t really possible to say to anyone.
the more professional you become doing it the harder it is to be found, the lesser you are to be busted, and the more you can focus on many other hidden areas, which means more suffering is to happen, this is too real and too accurate, death is more merciful …
Slit-wrists-in-tub seems so appealing, but I think I’d freak out and not be able to wait for how long it supposedly takes. Why is it so easy for, like, innocent kids to get shot, but so fucking hard for folks in pain to stop the pain?
Because society cares highly about guns, but they don’t care about our lives. And way too many people are okay with that. Hardly anyone is trying to make things better for us all. I wish we would get universal healthcare because I could afford to see my therapist again and get medicine. I wish we would get a universal wage so I could focus on rebuilding my life and a support group in meaningful ways rather than spending my day working at a job I hate then coming home to do nothing because I can’t afford to do anything. And I wish we’d get universal college, I guess you’d call it, because then I could go back to school and by the time I worked on my mental health, I’d get the degree I couldn’t get years ago, because of dealing with my mental health, so I could get a good job that doesn’t make me want to rip my eyeballs out every day and my life would be better if not happier.
The small print the fail to mention with a suicide attempt is the failure rate and you have everything that brought you there then you have what method tried physical fallout, the mental emotional fallout for “failing” and not even being able to be all those false horrible things said about people who attempt and/or die by suicide.
That brutal vomiting while you are so impaired you can be barely crawl from the last pile as you try to get out of the clothes covered in bodily waste if you bladder and bowels also released during the attempt. Which is very degrading but no said don’t wear a long sleeve shirt that now is worse than a straight jacket to get off…. When you make to the bathroom you barely get clean before you’re covered again and have that trail to clean up when you recover especially before anyone finds it…. Then comes if you are found and the horridiness of having your stomach pumped, the after effects of that which can be a different hell than the vomit overdose failure. This is the small print they don’t tell you is how bad the method failing will pile on more shit than you had before, so you are now worse and great plan to exit the planet stage left just failed so now you’re really feeling trapped, cursed, dammed, doomed to agony….
This is hell I wouldn’t wish on the worst enemy and people on earth…
The thing is, I favour nihilism* anyway.
Virtually no-one alive now will be remembered in 100 years, pretty certainly not 200 – you either have to be an utter saint or an utter bastard.
Nothing we do will matter, nothing we crate will survive… it will be as if we never existed.
Don’t believe me? – OK, how many people can you name from 1800-1899 or 1700-1799? Maybe 30-50 if you are extremely well educate or knowledgeable.
50 people out of the tens of millions alibe back then – the rest died and became as nothing… the same as we will.
To that end, it matters nothing at all, not one single atom of “mattering” if any of us die now, tomorrow, next year, or live to be 103.
I don’t really give a shit if I’m alive or dead – I have no plans to kill myself but if event happen that way, so what?
So… if life really IS that utterly shit for you then your “right to life” also (must, or it’s not a right it’s “compulsory life”” includes the right to death. So use that right… because it really matters nothing at all either way…. or stay alive and piss as many people off as you can (which is my plan… I’m not an arsehole, I’m a haemorrhoid, I irritate arseholes!)
There’s no meaning to life, no “karma”, no “good go to heaven, bad go to hell” (yeah, right, a kiddy buggering priest says “I repent my sins” on his deathbed and goes to “heaven”?? I’d not want to go there if it’s there, if it existed), no “posterity” unless you are one of the 0.00000000000001% who “make it” big or bad.
Just a pointless and meaningless life then non-existence until the heat-death of the universe.
What is there after death? Simple – it’s exactly the same as before you were conceived – non-existence.
**********
((* Just to clarify:
Nihilism is the philosophical viewpoint that suggests the denial of, or lack of belief in, the reputedly meaningful aspects of life. Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism, which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value))
**********
We are born and life without any choice or input.
99.9999999999….% of us will make no impact or contribution whatsoever, certainly nothing that will last whatever lifespan we had added after our death (meaning, if you live to 90 then nothing that lasts more than 90 years after you died)
Life is shit, then we die…
Damn those typos – crate – create, educate = educated (ironic, really), alibe = alive.
Any more, you can work out.
It matters. Maybe not in a historical perspective but for everyone close to you. I wittnessed a suicide 6 years ago, was close to killing myself after that, and even still today I’m trying to get over of it. I was the one “cleaning the mess”. Before that I believed everyone has right to decide about their death. Now.. Noup. There is nothing worse you can do to someone close you. It’s not fair nor right.
So they have to live a life of despair and misery just because you don’t want to feel bad?
That’s enforced life not right to life.
We don’t have any right to force other people to exist just for our own feelings.
(Having said that I do also support the option of talking to someone and trying to dissuade them… My logic there is there is that if you really can dissuade them then they didn’t really want to go.
But if they really want to go that’s their choice and only their choice)
I honestly wouldn’t care that much about the people I leave behind. Why? I’m visibly depressed and upset often, I try to talk about my feelings and get ignored the majority of the time. Or I’m told to “go to therapy” or “go talk to your internet friends” or “stop whining about your issues as if no one else has issues”. If I point out abuse from others around me, I’m being told I’m overreacting. I once told a friend that I was suicidal and I never heard from them again (it’s been almost 6 months since then). No one is here for me when I’m alive and trying to reach out and talk, so why would I care that they’ll feel bad when I’m gone? Feel bad and help me now! All I know is when I do go, they better not tell people they didn’t understand why I never said anything or they didn’t see it coming or they don’t know why I did it. They know, they don’t care, I won’t care about any fake tears after I’m gone. In fact, the only reason they’ll probably be sad is because I’m not around to abuse and do stuff for them.
The first thing you need to do is remove yourself from the abuse – even a shelter is better than “brick-n-tile with abuse”
People can and will care, you just have the wrong kind of “not-people” around you.
Find an outlet – I chose art, ink and water-wash on paper. Some people use “zentangle”, others watercolours.
It doesn’t have to be expensive (ink+paper = under a fiver, zentangle even less, watercolours can get a little dear).
Perhaps more importantly, it doesn’t have to be “good” – train yourself away from this current-day shit of “first or nothing”. Just draw or doodle, maybe sek ehlp from free classes or just ask another artist for a quick ‘guide-session’?
Maybe donate time at an animal shelter – the unconditional love of dogs and cats (and even otehr animal, horses, etc) is a great, GREAT, soul-healer.
Once you have that grounding for your soul your mind will fall into track. Just get yourself away from toxicity…
I respect your choice, as I said above, but don’t do it… make sure you have exhausted ALL other options before that last one.
Geez, those typos!!
ROF!!!
I’m glad for your comments. The thing is that I met “the dead one” only once before. I wanted to listen, to help, to understand, but ze (yes, a transgendered person) didn’t give me a change. So, having mental issues myself and being close to a suicide after that, I tried to keep in mind that there is actually people out there that truly want to help if we just give them a change.
…If I wasn’t family, you ask now what do I care..? I care. Every life is valuable. You are valuable. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.
As you probably understood now, it’s possible to mess out someones life without being even family with that one. We don’t live in this planet alone, you know.
Bad luck..?
I think it’s good luck. It means that you can always meet someone that wants to help you. No matter how many bastards you have met during your life, there is the good guy as well that wants to help you.
I had even myself an experience that my family never stood out for me. Later I realized that they just didn’t know what to do. My family is not educated helpers, they simply don’t know what else to say than “go and seek help for yourself”. However, it hurt them to see how hard I had it. And yes, most of my mental issues are caused by them. And no, I don’t care about it anymore, I’m beginning to be over of it. It’s a long and painful process but you can do it. ..Yes, professional helpers are the ones that actually know how to help you …once you manage to get an appointment, which isn’t easy.. However, it dosn’t mean that no-one else cares at all even if they don’t know how to express it.
Your life isn’t over yet, as long as you yourself keep trying! And yes, there is people out there that want to help you if you just give them a change!!!
Then it seems far more right to give them a way to die that doesn’t hurt others and doesn’t hurt them…
Why do you need to matter to the world at large? Isn’t mattering to the people immediately around you, the people who came before (parents, grandparents who still live), and if you have any children -the people who come after, enough? People worry about the far “future” for some reason, and the distant “past” instead of thinking abut right NOW. The past does not exist. The future doesnt really exist. Those things only exist as ideas in your head. The only real thing, the only thing that exists I think… is right NOW.
“Right now” is what people are trying to get away from…
The future doesn’t exist but it’s coming… And for many people it will be the same or worse than the present.
It’s understandable that they want to get away from it, the only way they can think of.
This breaks my heart.