Commentary from July 7, 2017
No matter what happens — whether it be success or failure, luck or bad fortune, nothing can shake that awful feeling about yourself. Bad things are deserved, good things are explained away thanks to impostor syndrome. It’s like a filter that only allows the awful things to be internalized while letting the good things seem like temporary distractions.
It’s taken me a while and I’ve been a little better about trying to own my successes but it’s been difficult. It’s very easy to make failure seem like a personality characteristic while letting successes feel like temporary aberrations. This is important to try to get over because it does lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where failure is accepted and becomes the norm while chipping away at the ambition and motivation to aim for greater things.
It’s taken me a while and I’ve been a little better about trying to own my successes but it’s been difficult. It’s very easy to make failure seem like a personality characteristic while letting successes feel like temporary aberrations. This is important to try to get over because it does lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where failure is accepted and becomes the norm while chipping away at the ambition and motivation to aim for greater things.
Being failure at life, why should I expect anything different?
Dear Lord
You must be listening in on my therapy sessions, Clay.
Bad things happen: it’s all my fault.
Good things happen: it’s pure chance, I haven’t done anything to deserve this.
Man oh man. Clay, you really nail the daily struggle.
(ignore this. forgot to check the “notify me” box earlier.)
Anyone ever get that “imposter syndrome”?
Then there is: (Good Thing) I took way too long getting that done, other people do stuff like this easily. Just how stupid/lazy am I?
When the former happens so often, the latter feels literally unreal.
I am cursed after all.
After beating my depression after 10 years of it I can safely say this to those who think like this:
“The Coldness inside you is from closing your mind off from everything else, by trusting the negative because it is so much easier to notice because it feels stronger.
Positivity doesn’t hurt but negative thinking does, and what hurts us is the hardest to forget.
A train of though I caught myself having at multiple points was “I want to be out of this hell but if I do break free what will my suffering have been for?”
Years later I would realize that there never was no purpose or anything to gain be shriving my self esteem like a raisin like that. It really does serve no purpose. No aspect to do with the evolution of your character, nothing.
And that is why it feels like a void inside you. It is a self feeding mindset. When you feel depressed you tell yourself things that are depressing and escalate things because it feels like even the pain is better than the feeling of nothingness inside.
But I broke free. And I will tell you what worked for me:
I realized that basing the worth of my existence on the opinions of others and what I lacked in life held me back. Like REALLY held me back.
I thought enduring it all would make me stronger. Surviving did but for the most part fixating on the negative parts of my life or myself was a poison. A poison that I kept trying to fight with more poison.
So what I did differently was I got mad at myself. I got mad at the voice in the back of my head telling me I was worthless and would never amount to anything, that I was a failure. Everytime I felt that voice inside try to tear me
Down I would reply “FUCK YOU!!!”
After I did that I realized something.
I do not actually hate myself, I hate that voice inside that would tell
me not to try, not to take chances because life can be uncertain in it’s outcomes. I hate my inner negativity.
And as soon as I established that I only hated the part of me that held me back I didn’t need to look at at all for what I would enjoy in comparison. 🙂
Cause when you have lived with negativity for so long and learn how to reject it’s influence, The way out starts to open it’self up to you. It’s not going to always be an instant, easy change but it was the most valuable one I ever made in my life
I haven’t been in school in decades, but this is no less rear for me. I get this same feeling every time I go in for my monthly review at work. The commonality of the experience of depression never ceases to amaze me. I know it shouldn’t, but it does.
Great insights and depiction as usual. You have a real gift for showing the experience of depression in a relatable way.
Margaret Jupe
true….
This is an example of a fallacy called “confirmation bias” in which all possible evidence is interpreted as supporting a predetermined conclusion. It’s the reverse of sound reasoning, in which the conclusion depends on the evidence.
To fight irrational thoughts, it helps to understand why they are irrational.
All I know how to do is fail. I can’t do anything right…
Incorrect. You are doing failing right. Now failing at failing is the next failure to master ? Then it is all up from there my friend