Commentary from December 22, 2016
The Plan returns. Some of the stuff he says is based on my own experience. Knowing the plan was there and in place allowed me to get through the day, which scares me to this day, because inside I was self-destructing yet because I was self-destructing I was looking to others like I was fine. It’s incredible how depression can turn you into your own killer, planning everything so that you can get away with it. It still sends chills down my spine when I think I wouldn’t even think of hurting a person while plotting my own demise with cold precision.
The part where The Plan talks about saving up sick days is actually true to life. That was part of my own plan. If I could save up time for two weeks, I could do everything I needed to and carry out all the preparations without being missed from work. By the time the vacation was over, it would be too late. Thankfully this plan got derailed, but yeah, these are the things you think of when the plan starts to pull together.
The Plan is fun to draw. I was thinking of the brooms from Fantasia while doing it, and how incredible Walt Disney was at bringing everything to life and infusing it with personality.
But still, this feeling is really scary, but important for me to try to describe. I think.
The part where The Plan talks about saving up sick days is actually true to life. That was part of my own plan. If I could save up time for two weeks, I could do everything I needed to and carry out all the preparations without being missed from work. By the time the vacation was over, it would be too late. Thankfully this plan got derailed, but yeah, these are the things you think of when the plan starts to pull together.
The Plan is fun to draw. I was thinking of the brooms from Fantasia while doing it, and how incredible Walt Disney was at bringing everything to life and infusing it with personality.
But still, this feeling is really scary, but important for me to try to describe. I think.
Ouch.
Yup. I sure do remember. All too well. I wonder if you can ever kick that little voice far enough, or does it remain forever there… hovering around.
This strip, well, minus the talking book, is pretty accurate for myself. It’s amazing that even though I’m far from those days by like a decade that those thoughts still hover in the background when stress rises. Maybe creating The Plan creates some kind of mental scar that never heals, a decision you can never take back. I don’t know, I wish it wasn’t there.
It has been about thirty years since I propounded The Plan to my wife. I thought she would be favorable, if not delighted. She wasn’t, which is why I’m still here on the bus. It still comes back to engage in discussion every week or two, but as long as wife is here, I will be too.
My plan never got past the means, so I never got around to selecting a date. One time I told a psychiatrist that I figured I’d be dead within a year or so, not as a threat or a plan but a simple statement of fact, like saying that I expected the weather to get colder. I think that’s when they started to take me seriously.
I remember making my own plan when I was younger. I still think now to use it when I have my “low days”, which are becoming more frequent.
The worst part is how much having The Plan actually fucking helps.
I’m NOT stuck. There IS a door out. It CAN end. So this ISN’T hell.
I can still trade up to hell, if it becomes the lesser of two evils.
It was a lot easier back when I had an OD dose hidden for emergencies. I always know I wasn’t stuck. Unlike now.