Commentary from Published April 14, 2016
The impostor syndrome is not just about work, it also applies to relationships as well. It makes it harder to start and maintain them because you are always going to be questioning the validity of being together with someone. It’s difficult to approach someone because you think you’re not good enough for that person anyways so why bother. If a relationship does happen, you’re never going to feel safe in it ever. When the relationship falls apart, it justifies your feelings of worthlessness and makes it even harder the next time around.
I’ve been through this cycle several times in my life and it really disrupts one’s ability to connect to someone. It’s easy to mistake for false humility but it is an honest feeling that you can never ever measure up. When depression tells you you deserve nothing, you tend to just nod your head in agreement.
I wrote this strip several times, and I used different characters each time. Finally, I settled on these two characters. I’m always expecting backlash, so I tried to craft the dialogue to be gender neutral towards the crush – I felt that this would make the character more relatable. Obviously this was a stupid and misguided thing to do and I’m ashamed of myself for choosing that route. I went back and changed the dialogue so that it’s clear the crush is also a guy, and if people can’t relate to the love troubles of a gay guy that’s their problem, not mine. So I have to remind myself not to worry about the bigots and a concentrate on drawing a strip that embraces everybody.
I’ve been through this cycle several times in my life and it really disrupts one’s ability to connect to someone. It’s easy to mistake for false humility but it is an honest feeling that you can never ever measure up. When depression tells you you deserve nothing, you tend to just nod your head in agreement.
I wrote this strip several times, and I used different characters each time. Finally, I settled on these two characters. I’m always expecting backlash, so I tried to craft the dialogue to be gender neutral towards the crush – I felt that this would make the character more relatable. Obviously this was a stupid and misguided thing to do and I’m ashamed of myself for choosing that route. I went back and changed the dialogue so that it’s clear the crush is also a guy, and if people can’t relate to the love troubles of a gay guy that’s their problem, not mine. So I have to remind myself not to worry about the bigots and a concentrate on drawing a strip that embraces everybody.
I would add one other fear, that I won’t be smart, funny, capable and resposible enough to keep person I like/love near me. That some other person would come around and easily took my love away, because I am the worse option.
Strange enough, I’m not afraid of that. I’m afraid that I’m draining my partner, instead of making him happy. That I’m failing at being a girlfriend.
The possible consequential breakup isn’t the point of the fears.
This. So much this.
Much Agreed
Damn. I just left my boyfriend after 8 days because of this. I was so afraid I couldn’t measure up, that I’d drag him down with my lack of energy. He deserves a happy relationship. I wish I was able to enrich his life but I can barely stand myself.
Who else thinks is cool ?
A couple months ago I discussed psychiatric service dogs with my therapist. One of the challenges I have is interpersonal skills, especially forming close relationships. I said that one advantage of having a service dog would be connecting with other service dog handlers who would likely understand that they may need to be gentle with me. Her response was, “What? You mean hook up with a project?” By saying that they are not worthy of relationships, she implied the same about me. I fired her after the next session.
I’m kinda living this scenario at the moment.
I hear you, but that” s just the beginning
Lot’s of interesting comments already from people comparing this to themselves, that’s cool. I feel from the outside, as I’m not looking for a relationship. The sister reflects him well, it’s like she isn’t being critical, she is just honestly summing up how he sees himself. An honest snapshot of a situation.
When I first met my husband, I was positive that when he knew “the real me” he would leave. That was 31 years ago, and he hasn’t left yet. Love this post.
Too accurate.