Commentary from Published March 30, 2016
These two appeared a long time ago in #251 and I meant to bring them out more — it’s basically what happens when one of the people in the relationship comes into it with unrealistic expectations given the illness. You’ll see more of these two and how the needs of the one are often incompatible with the needs of the other. I don’t want to say “this is why relationships with depressed people are impossible”, I just want to say “this is why these relationships are particularly challenging, but understanding the other helps a lot.”
Now it’s time to point where personal experience comes in. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been more in the part of the person with expectations. I can understand where this man is coming from but I also know it’s wrong to start arguing about it as well. Arguing your way into bed is a lose-lose situation and morally wrong. But I know how rejection feels, and from that it’s easy to write dialogue, even though I know it’s the wrong tact to take.
I hope that these two characters will make more appearances in the future. He believes that his very presence makes everything better and can’t understand why he can’t make her depression better. Sometimes we think we’re the white knight in someone else’s tragedy, but love in itself does not heal depression.
Now it’s time to point where personal experience comes in. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been more in the part of the person with expectations. I can understand where this man is coming from but I also know it’s wrong to start arguing about it as well. Arguing your way into bed is a lose-lose situation and morally wrong. But I know how rejection feels, and from that it’s easy to write dialogue, even though I know it’s the wrong tact to take.
I hope that these two characters will make more appearances in the future. He believes that his very presence makes everything better and can’t understand why he can’t make her depression better. Sometimes we think we’re the white knight in someone else’s tragedy, but love in itself does not heal depression.
I feel this so much
If the depression doesn’t do that to you, the meds will.
BANG – right into my heart, my soul and my brains … 🙁
What about how the dude feels, right after slamming the door? Where does he go? Where is the point where being understanding crosses into being unfair on yourself? This disease really screws lives up.
This one is a double….. she’s has terrible self image and her BF is more wound up than piano wire
+1
This is precisely why I have steered clear of relationships for decades. What’s more unhealthy, isolating myself and living a relatively lonely but happy-ish life, or the two-fold fallout from being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand when I really need them to? Although I dream of a family, it’s better to opt for the devil I can control to some extent. Sadly, family will remain my greatest unattainable dream.
I think anything about are great who agrees?
Holy crap, this is precisely my life.
If she doesn’t want sex (for whatever reason at all) he has no right to demand it. Guys a potential rapist.
I don’t know about that — he walked away without touching her, he may have been an incredible asshole about it, but he did respect her physical boundary.
It’s really hard to be refused time after time, this situation doesn’t happen once normally. The mate must sustain his/her own sexual security as if he/she was perfect, just because the other one, that person he/she loves, is not, isn’t perfect.
Sometimes, too many times, this ends in two people having those thought of self destruction. No one to blame, this is just another unfair wound of mental illness.
Unfortunately I have been there. Thank goodness it was some time ago, but those feelings are still familiar
Arthur Marques
I know I’ve just given in before and said yes, and tried to fake it, even when I didn’t feel the energy to, because it had been too long in his or my eyes… I just tried to suck it up, but I hated it. :-/