Commentary from January 15, 2016
Last week I ran across an article about a man who pulled another person away from a train that they were going to jump in front of. In that article the author writes a letter to that person he “saved” about how he understands, how things look bad now but will get better and all the other well-meaning but potentially patronizing stuff people say to depressed folk.
On one hand it’s understandable that you want to help. But the thing most people who say these things fail to realize is that the person they are talking to may not hear it the way it’s intended. Depression does that. It makes you feel alone, it makes you feel that no one understands, and it makes you feel that everything is mere lip-service. It also makes you a lot less likely to open up to people and talk to them, especially about things that make you feel shame like depression does. Add to that a possible past history of bad experiences opening up, and you know this may not work.
I did this comic about what these phrases might sound like to a depressed person. Depression will filter what is being said so that it’s negative. But this isn’t something that the depressed person does on purpose, it’s a symptom, it can’t be helped, and it’s incredibly difficult to overcome.
When I posted it a number of people saw it as an attack on offers of help. It wasn’t intended to be that way, although it can be seen as that depending on your point of view. Some others were frustrated because they honestly want to help and felt that the depressed person wasn’t trying, as if they wanted to be isolated and suspicious.
The good thing is that this comic sparked enough discussion that it’ll inspire future strips that will narrow down the issue.
I really like drawing this character and I really enjoyed drawing the facial expressions.
On one hand it’s understandable that you want to help. But the thing most people who say these things fail to realize is that the person they are talking to may not hear it the way it’s intended. Depression does that. It makes you feel alone, it makes you feel that no one understands, and it makes you feel that everything is mere lip-service. It also makes you a lot less likely to open up to people and talk to them, especially about things that make you feel shame like depression does. Add to that a possible past history of bad experiences opening up, and you know this may not work.
I did this comic about what these phrases might sound like to a depressed person. Depression will filter what is being said so that it’s negative. But this isn’t something that the depressed person does on purpose, it’s a symptom, it can’t be helped, and it’s incredibly difficult to overcome.
When I posted it a number of people saw it as an attack on offers of help. It wasn’t intended to be that way, although it can be seen as that depending on your point of view. Some others were frustrated because they honestly want to help and felt that the depressed person wasn’t trying, as if they wanted to be isolated and suspicious.
The good thing is that this comic sparked enough discussion that it’ll inspire future strips that will narrow down the issue.
I really like drawing this character and I really enjoyed drawing the facial expressions.
Oh my, yes.
This is my wife and me on a regular basis. While I know she is trying to be sincere and caring, My mind cannot process it and I end up thinking the same way.
It’s hard to see other people as sincere sometimes, even when they really are.
Brutal, one might say, but that is indeed how things work.
Thanks Clay, for another insightful comic. The old “buck-up” pep talk may be well intended, but empathetic listening and reflection is so much better. When a person feels worthless & that the world is a grey void, telling them how sunny it really is just doesn’t do any good. It only reinforces the feeling the depressed person has that he or she is a total loser. I’ve been on both sides of this equation, and the times I’ve been most helpful to someone else who is depressed are the times when I shut the hell up, listen to them and acknowledge how much it sucks to be depressed.
Exactly!
And when you actually open up, they run away…
Exactly…we people who ACTUALLY understand and would listen so we can have some codeword or something to signal that they actually COULD confide in us.
Or trivialise or misrepresent whatever you do let out.
Yes to all the above
Favorite web comment: “I’ve been on both sides of this equation, and the times I’ve been most helpful to someone else who is depressed are the times when I shut the hell up, listen to them and acknowledge how much it sucks to be depressed.”
Dang. Now I know what NOT to say. How about, “I acknowledge you feel like shit and that’s okay. I’m here for you.”
That’s not a bad starting point, actually.
This comic sums up all of my current relationships with friends and family. All flashy smiles. Empty gestures, really. Nobody is ever there for you.
I’m always worried this is how I come off when I try to reach out to someone I know is hurting. It feels so cliche to say ‘I know what you’re going through’ or ‘I’ve been there’ and so trite to say ‘you’ll be okay’ or ‘you can get through this.’ The thing about depression is it makes one distrustful- of oneself, of others, of hope and help and the possibility of better times, whether temporary or permanent.
I am a depression survivor. I think. (Still take a tiny dose of meds, still see my psychiatrist once every month or two. I was so ill for so long that I can’t be too careful now that I finally seem to be truly healing.)
Anyway, when I was doing very badly, people would tell me, “Call me whenEVER if you need ANYthing!!”.
I would be able to tell myself “I should talk to somebody” when I was particularly unwell, but actually picking up the phone was impossible. There was a voice in my head saying that the people were surely doing something more important than listening to me. Or even if it wasn’t that, I felt that I would bring them down by calling them and pouring it out, especially when the truth was that nobody could say anything that would instantly make me better.
Plus there was the whole thing of being sure they wouldn’t understand. Their lives were full of…. happy lifey things. Activities, relationships, fun, work, studying. My life? Sitting inside with my thoughts racing and making train wrecks, and worrying that if I went outside, I would meet someone I know and they’d ask how I am. I’d imagine the few seconds of silence when I’d try to decide whether to lie that I’m ok to get away from the situation, or to be honest and say I’m not ok….and whatever I would say would look suspicious because of the silence. If I would say I’m not ok, I would have to elaborate, ergh. Or maybe if I would say I am ok, the person would ask “what have you been up to?” and there we go again. So better not go outside.
This is how I feel every year when that damned Bell Canada Let’s Talk campaign comes around.
yeah, like #BellLet’sTalk is not a transparent ploy to market their corporation
Sometimes our friends and family really are trying to help. They aren’t always being patronizing. We just can’t hear their sincerity. We can’t or won’t let them in.
it’s the positivism that feels so awfully wrong.
nothing gets better by thinking positively.
i recently had an oral exam, where the sensors managed to make me calm down from all my nervousness by explaining calmly they were there going to do it as a conversation where they’d try to find out how much i’ve learned. but they made sure to add that they could likely manage to find a whole lot that i haven’t learned yet, but that wouldn’t be their focus this time around.
acknowledging my flaws, and how it’s perfectly ok to have them as long as i’m willing to reflect on and correct them little by little.
thta warmed my heart a hundred times more than any positive thinking and (what will always seem to me like) exaggerated compliments.