Yes, I’ve done this several times. I even put money into envelopes for a few people, so that they would get some benefit from my death. I was stopped by the bridge patrol last time.
I’ve been suicidal for the past three years and I’m currently in that place where you stop caring about the consequences of your death. I found this very dangerous and came up with a trick to stay safe – I just imagined my mother (who is very important to me) hearing the news of my death and crying hysterically. I imagined that scene repeatedly until it started to feel real. And after that the image became so horribly sad that I didn’t want to do that to her. So far it’s been helpful but we all know how a depressed brain works: now I’m eagerly waiting for her to pass away so I can finally pass away too.
Oh wow. This really hit home. Because sometimes I feel like the worst person on the planet knowing that I wish my parents would just pass so it no longer felt like there was any reason I could not just destroy myself. Then I hate myself even more for thinking that way, but I can’t stop it. I’m sorry you’re in a similar spot but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who’s thought like that.
I think that this feeling that we both share is not that rare after all, it’s just such a strong tabu that people don’t feel like talking about it. However, for me it’s a bit different since I don’t feel bad for having this feeling, and I think it’s because for me death is the best thing in life – it’s when all the pain in the world finally ends. But yeah, this way of thinking is depression 101, I know, hoping for death.
I gotta admit that I didn’t understand the comic initially I thought when he said “whoever finds me” it was referring to his girlfriend or something who had to deal with the clutter >_>
Now I can’t say I relate to this, but I just wanted to say — Honestly, it’s not worth it to throw away life just like that. Life’s a gift and there’s so much more to experience with it (I mean unless you’re like a hundred years old then I guess that changes things). You could be out there chasing your dreams, doing what you love, making the most out of life. Care about your life because it is your own; You are you, you are special, and there is no one else like you in this world. You are worth it. Speaking to a trusted someone about your insecurities/problems could lessen the burden too. You’re not alone, and everything can make you happy if you let them. All the hurt and stuff that’s making you depressed – throw them away, let it go (I couldn’t resist I’m sorry non-frozen fans), start anew. It can’t be easy, but things will get better, and once you get to that point, then you could have kicked yourself for ever considering suicide. Perhaps you’d be the most popular among colleagues, maybe you’d have gotten engaged, maybe you’d even have a family with kids. You’ll be happy. So please don’t throw your life away like that. It’s just not worth it.
I don’t think I make a very good counselor but just maybe this’ll make a difference to someone ((:
When I read comments like this, it reminds me that many people still don’t think depression as a bonifide mental illness, but more like a poor life decision or a personal weakness.
I concur with Clay. I know that Patience is trying to help, but it still sounds like one of those”cheer up buckaroo” messages where they think we are just simply sad or chose to feel this way, and that hearing someone talk about life being awesome cause the grass is green and the sun is shining means we will magically be cured and see things they way they want us to see. Its a mental illness, and if you cannot cure a broken leg by clapping your hands and believing, then its not gonna work for depression. We get you have good intentions, that you are not being malicious, but unfortunately it shows that most people do not have a clear understanding of mental illness means.
Patience, your comment is deeply hurtfully ignorant. I can imagine it making a difference for someone in one way only, and that way is crushing them further down. Please, don’t make any other speeches like this anywhere.
Purely as an analogy, please imagine trying to “cure” left-handed people of left-handedness by telling them all about the advantages of being right-handed. The world is oriented towards right-handedness, after all, and life would just be so much easier for the left-handed people if they would stop choosing to be left-handed and started using their right hand for most things, like writing and using scissors and etc.
I think we can all agree that that’s just silly. Although there’s nothing wrong with being left-handed, and I in no way want to imply that there is, it’s a clear example of a way in which people are simply wired differently.
People who are depressed are not sad in the ordinary way. Many of us are simply wired differently, in such a way that it results in depression. What this wiring consists of is still not well understood – it might be physical, it might be chemical, it might be environmental, etc. But it is a real thing, and, like handedness, isn’t something we can simply be talked out of.
Patience: I am sure your remarks are well-meant, but insecurities, problems, burdens — those are results, not causes, for the most part. It is extremely difficult to convey to someone who has not experienced it the depth of lack of feeling of worth and other fundamental disturbances to the typical balance of brain functions.
When a person with MDD (well, this person, anyhow) is being sucked down into the Vortex where he will be for perhaps many days, there are few things, in my experience, that a neurotypical will have an understanding of, such that expressing them would do anything other than cause even more distress to others. I still have moments when spouse texts me with “WHERE ARE YOU??”, and I don’t let on that I’ve been sitting out in the car crying, where I won’t bother anybody else.
She’s been putting up with my condition for about 46 years, and still has trouble coping, no surprise. When I had designed my departure (I’m an Engineer, I plan things carefully), I explained to her how the insurance would pay, nobody else would be hurt, and it wouldn’t look like suicide without a decent forensic investigation — seemed like a really good plan to me, and I was looking forward to executing it. The life-saving thing she did was to throw a towering fit and absolutely forbid me ever even THINKING about making such plans in future.
Rats.
That was about 28 years ago. I’m still here, even though many have been the times that I really don’t want to.be.
When my friend diet in 2002 he had a load of trading cards, they were worth literally $1000s. Had he given them to me it would have helped the pain a little. But his family threw them away. 🙁 🙁 This is a sincere message.
I actively clutter my living space with all sorts of stuff that I wouldn’t want people to find/learn about so that I always have ‘cleaning’ to do before I would allow myself to check out. Has worked so far. :’D
I was told by one of my slightly older relatives, from an early age, that my existence was a gall upon her soul. Luckily I despise her and everything she ever did to me. Now I find myself hoping that she lives a long and healthy life, because if she kicks the bucket too soon what am I going to keep living in spite of? (I have a grace period on this until the kids are grown, but I can feel it percolating away in my jerkbrain.)
This is me. so sad, breaks my heart. I think about this too much. I am torn because part of me wants people to see how I lived and existed, that I existed. But then I have times I actively plan what I am going to do with everything, I am getting a trust for my dog, how I am going to pull all my money out for my Mom, pay for my cremation in advance, get rid of everything that someone wouldn’t want and put names on things for specific people. I am afraid my landlord would come in and throw everything away before my family can come in, that is why I am not going to do it in my home. Sucks just sucks that this is what I am doing on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
This is right on target but MUCH to heavy for my neurotypical friends to cope with.
Ouch. Right in the feels.
Yes, I’ve done this several times. I even put money into envelopes for a few people, so that they would get some benefit from my death. I was stopped by the bridge patrol last time.
So familiar. So damn familiar.
:'( damn
I wish I couldnt relate to that
:'(
Comics like this and comments like those above remind me that at least I’m not alone in this. (y)
Indeed..
Indeed..
I’ve been suicidal for the past three years and I’m currently in that place where you stop caring about the consequences of your death. I found this very dangerous and came up with a trick to stay safe – I just imagined my mother (who is very important to me) hearing the news of my death and crying hysterically. I imagined that scene repeatedly until it started to feel real. And after that the image became so horribly sad that I didn’t want to do that to her. So far it’s been helpful but we all know how a depressed brain works: now I’m eagerly waiting for her to pass away so I can finally pass away too.
Oh wow. This really hit home. Because sometimes I feel like the worst person on the planet knowing that I wish my parents would just pass so it no longer felt like there was any reason I could not just destroy myself. Then I hate myself even more for thinking that way, but I can’t stop it. I’m sorry you’re in a similar spot but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who’s thought like that.
I think that this feeling that we both share is not that rare after all, it’s just such a strong tabu that people don’t feel like talking about it. However, for me it’s a bit different since I don’t feel bad for having this feeling, and I think it’s because for me death is the best thing in life – it’s when all the pain in the world finally ends. But yeah, this way of thinking is depression 101, I know, hoping for death.
I’m glad you can relate, let’s keep fighting.
I gotta admit that I didn’t understand the comic initially I thought when he said “whoever finds me” it was referring to his girlfriend or something who had to deal with the clutter >_>
Now I can’t say I relate to this, but I just wanted to say — Honestly, it’s not worth it to throw away life just like that. Life’s a gift and there’s so much more to experience with it (I mean unless you’re like a hundred years old then I guess that changes things). You could be out there chasing your dreams, doing what you love, making the most out of life. Care about your life because it is your own; You are you, you are special, and there is no one else like you in this world. You are worth it.
Speaking to a trusted someone about your insecurities/problems could lessen the burden too. You’re not alone, and everything can make you happy if you let them. All the hurt and stuff that’s making you depressed – throw them away, let it go (I couldn’t resist I’m sorry non-frozen fans), start anew. It can’t be easy, but things will get better, and once you get to that point, then you could have kicked yourself for ever considering suicide. Perhaps you’d be the most popular among colleagues, maybe you’d have gotten engaged, maybe you’d even have a family with kids. You’ll be happy. So please don’t throw your life away like that. It’s just not worth it.
I don’t think I make a very good counselor but just maybe this’ll make a difference to someone ((:
When I read comments like this, it reminds me that many people still don’t think depression as a bonifide mental illness, but more like a poor life decision or a personal weakness.
I concur with Clay. I know that Patience is trying to help, but it still sounds like one of those”cheer up buckaroo” messages where they think we are just simply sad or chose to feel this way, and that hearing someone talk about life being awesome cause the grass is green and the sun is shining means we will magically be cured and see things they way they want us to see. Its a mental illness, and if you cannot cure a broken leg by clapping your hands and believing, then its not gonna work for depression. We get you have good intentions, that you are not being malicious, but unfortunately it shows that most people do not have a clear understanding of mental illness means.
Patience, your comment is deeply hurtfully ignorant. I can imagine it making a difference for someone in one way only, and that way is crushing them further down. Please, don’t make any other speeches like this anywhere.
Hi Patience,
Purely as an analogy, please imagine trying to “cure” left-handed people of left-handedness by telling them all about the advantages of being right-handed. The world is oriented towards right-handedness, after all, and life would just be so much easier for the left-handed people if they would stop choosing to be left-handed and started using their right hand for most things, like writing and using scissors and etc.
I think we can all agree that that’s just silly. Although there’s nothing wrong with being left-handed, and I in no way want to imply that there is, it’s a clear example of a way in which people are simply wired differently.
People who are depressed are not sad in the ordinary way. Many of us are simply wired differently, in such a way that it results in depression. What this wiring consists of is still not well understood – it might be physical, it might be chemical, it might be environmental, etc. But it is a real thing, and, like handedness, isn’t something we can simply be talked out of.
Patience: I am sure your remarks are well-meant, but insecurities, problems, burdens — those are results, not causes, for the most part. It is extremely difficult to convey to someone who has not experienced it the depth of lack of feeling of worth and other fundamental disturbances to the typical balance of brain functions.
When a person with MDD (well, this person, anyhow) is being sucked down into the Vortex where he will be for perhaps many days, there are few things, in my experience, that a neurotypical will have an understanding of, such that expressing them would do anything other than cause even more distress to others. I still have moments when spouse texts me with “WHERE ARE YOU??”, and I don’t let on that I’ve been sitting out in the car crying, where I won’t bother anybody else.
She’s been putting up with my condition for about 46 years, and still has trouble coping, no surprise. When I had designed my departure (I’m an Engineer, I plan things carefully), I explained to her how the insurance would pay, nobody else would be hurt, and it wouldn’t look like suicide without a decent forensic investigation — seemed like a really good plan to me, and I was looking forward to executing it. The life-saving thing she did was to throw a towering fit and absolutely forbid me ever even THINKING about making such plans in future.
Rats.
That was about 28 years ago. I’m still here, even though many have been the times that I really don’t want to.be.
Mmhm
http://t.co/t2LkhyPSbS
Oh no, I’ve thought this too… but what happens when he changes his mind? Perhaps a new beginning.
When my friend diet in 2002 he had a load of trading cards, they were worth literally $1000s. Had he given them to me it would have helped the pain a little. But his family threw them away. 🙁 🙁 This is a sincere message.
I actively clutter my living space with all sorts of stuff that I wouldn’t want people to find/learn about so that I always have ‘cleaning’ to do before I would allow myself to check out. Has worked so far. :’D
I was told by one of my slightly older relatives, from an early age, that my existence was a gall upon her soul. Luckily I despise her and everything she ever did to me. Now I find myself hoping that she lives a long and healthy life, because if she kicks the bucket too soon what am I going to keep living in spite of? (I have a grace period on this until the kids are grown, but I can feel it percolating away in my jerkbrain.)
Well, this just proves that my brother is the only exception to the suicidal rule
This is precisely the reason I don’t have a lot of stuff. Whenever people ask about it I always say that I just don’t like clutter.
Maina Melendez
This is me. so sad, breaks my heart. I think about this too much. I am torn because part of me wants people to see how I lived and existed, that I existed. But then I have times I actively plan what I am going to do with everything, I am getting a trust for my dog, how I am going to pull all my money out for my Mom, pay for my cremation in advance, get rid of everything that someone wouldn’t want and put names on things for specific people. I am afraid my landlord would come in and throw everything away before my family can come in, that is why I am not going to do it in my home. Sucks just sucks that this is what I am doing on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
1000% relate to this one!!!! Been there, done that!
Yeah this was me too in 2007. I’m glad neither of us are there anymore.
So curious that “productive” feeling. I guess that’s what you get when you don’t have a mental illness and you accomplish… anything xD